It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. Or written in any way, really. A lot has happened. One day I’ll sit down and type out the important parts.

I’ve been trying to find inner peace, and some days the battle feels pointless. Other days I feel like I’ve climbed mountains. But it is a constant battle with myself. 

So, I sat down and wrote out a “poem” of sorts. A conversation between myself and the negative voices in my head. I wasn’t going to share it, but the more I thought about it as I wrote it, the more I realized I needed to share it. Words, as many of you know, have power. My hope is this will reach someone who needs to see it, and know they’re not alone if they are struggling. 

So, I present to you:

Loop in my Head.

Why do you even wake up in the morning?
It’s the same shit every day.
You hope for something better and try as hard as you can.
But you’ll never be enough, okay?
No one sees those tears in your eyes or hears the scream ripping through your heart.
They see the parts of you that are useful to their agenda.
Your worth is based on what you can carry or how high you can lift.
You’re not worthy of love, or good, or peace.
You’re only good enough temporarily until you’re disposable. See?
Why even bother getting out of bed?
Why try to face the day?
You’re stuck in this endless loop
that just won’t go away.
You’re embarrassing, pathetic, and useless in every way.
You’re too much, too loud, you’ve got too much to say.
Sit down. Shut up. No one cares. It’s over.
Take that knife beside your bed and carve your heart into a clover.
Paint the walls with your pain, let out the screams you’ve buried deep.
Everything will go away with eternal sleep.
Excuse me?
What did I do to deserve these demons loose inside my head?
Filling my thoughts with disillusions, making me wish that I was dead?
Through the ugliness in my soul I seek beauty with every breath.
The only thing you’re good for, me, is causing too much dread.
You’re the hurt part that bleeds from other people’s wounds.
Piling my plate with guilt and tragedy you force me to consume.
I rise from bed every day despite the chains you hold tight.
I fight through rivers of your negativity you flood me with at night.
I am worthy of peace, of love, of happiness, and more.
I’ll break your chains, you’ll know my name, you’ll hear it thunder through the storm.

Are you serious?
You’ve done this song and dance before, tried your best to stand up tall
You’ve planned, and tried, and failed so many times; you always fall!
You deserve nothing, you’re a joke, you make everybody sick.
The only legacy you’ll be is just another statistic.

If that’s the truth then why do you slink in the shadows of my soul?
Fighting hard to knock me down the deepest, darkest hole?
Each day I draw a breath is a victory against you.
Each day I fight through pain and fear your grip turns loose.
I will win against your teeth and claws every time.
The only life deserving death is yours, not mine.

You’re pathetic.
What you fail to see, as others blindly do, I am you, you are me, my downfall is yours, too.
You hide your heart behind a shield of anger, your smile is just a mask.
You struggle with even the most basic task.
It’s no wonder no one likes you, you’re a fraud and a fake.
Now grow a spine and pull the trigger, your life you must now take.

No!
I’ve felt the cold steel at my temple, felt the pills turn in my guts.
I’ve begged for mercy from your grip and pulled myself from many ruts.
I’ll give you something you never gave me; I’ll give you love and compassion.
I’ll give forgiveness and understanding, how’s that for corrective action?
Because what YOU fail to realize is we don’t want to die.
We just want a better place for you and I. We don’t want to hold onto pain, or memories from the past.
But it’s baggage we can’t put down, or wounds that seem to last
Regardless of how hard we try to set it down, or heal.
We don’t want to die, we want to leave, we want the freedom to feel.
We want the strength to do what’s right, to finish impossible tasks.
But life is ten times harder when hiding behind a mask.
Instead of being locked in eternal war, we could try giving compassion a chance.
We can tear down our walls, reveal our flaws, we can sing and we can dance.
Take back the life they stole from us, stop trying to be numb.
We’re moving at a different rhythm against the same beating drum.
Imagine what life could be if we aligned the same goals in our sight?
How fiercely we could seize the day and peaceful would be our night?
We have to work together, heal the wounds we’ve buried low.
Only then will we find justice, and our path forward can glow.