For the first half of the week, nothing exciting happened in the least. Middle of the week, I began nurturing a sick child. End of the week, still nurturing said child, but I am also being thrown down memory lane.
I spent the beginning part of the day (after tucking sick child into bed for a nap) reading a blog a friend of mine had started writing ages ago. I felt bad for not having seen it earlier, but reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. I wasn’t meant to see this then. Hell, maybe I wasn’t even meant to see it now. But I did.
Reading through his blog made me remember a lot of good memories, and a lot of sad ones. It reminded me of good times, when things were far easier and, seemingly, better. I remembered friendships that once held so much value that I swore I would die if I lost them. Look at me now. I did not die, but I think a part of me did, because now I feel like a hallowed shell of what I once was. They say hindsight is 20/20, and I am reminded now how true that is.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I jumped to a lot of conclusions then, and now, and that has cost me quite a bit. I’ve questioned loyalties, I’ve questioned my decisions, and I’ve questioned myself more often than I care to admit to the general public.
I wish I could go back to those good memories, and change them slightly to make them great. I wish I could say things, do things, but the opportunity for such has passed. The value that I have for certain people is, more than likely, one sided and it hurts knowing that it will never be reciprocated.
I miss my friends, I miss the laughter. I miss feeling like I belonged in a huge, unbreakable family. At the time, I thought, there was no way this family could end but I guess I was the first one to break it apart. Everything happens for a reason, I realize that, but in all honesty I’m really beginning to question those reasons.
Maybe I’m where I need to be right now? Maybe I things will change for the better. I claim to have no hope, but if that was the case would I really be here still? When all hope is lost, what is left? Obviously some hope remains, it’s just hard to see. I’ve lost so much, is there some “grand comeback” planned in the cosmos that I don’t know about?
I realize this post does not have much of a point, and the words are just as scattered as my mind. My thought process is here, there, drifting between sadness and contentment.
- I miss my friends.
- I miss belonging.
- I miss being happy.
- I want to make things better, but I do not know how.
- I want someone to help me feel better, but I don’t know how to do that either.
- I want to be as important as I make people in my life.
I want to matter like I felt like I used to….
Perhaps it was all just a fantasy, and this is reality finally catching up to me?
But hope remains, like it or not. Just as certain as the dreamcatcher that still hangs in my window, some things do not die. Some things just need the right fuel to rekindle a flame.
We wait, we see, and we hope.