Tag: friendship

A Walk Down Memory Lane

For the first half of the week, nothing exciting happened in the least. Middle of the week, I began nurturing a sick child. End of the week, still nurturing said child, but I am also being thrown down memory lane.

I spent the beginning part of the day (after tucking sick child into bed for a nap) reading a blog a friend of mine had started writing ages ago. I felt bad for not having seen it earlier, but reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. I wasn’t meant to see this then. Hell, maybe I wasn’t even meant to see it now. But I did.

Reading through his blog made me remember a lot of good memories, and a lot of sad ones. It reminded me of good times, when things were far easier and, seemingly, better. I remembered friendships that once held so much value that I swore I would die if I lost them. Look at me now. I did not die, but I think a part of me did, because now I feel like a hallowed shell of what I once was. They say hindsight is 20/20, and I am reminded now how true that is.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I jumped to a lot of conclusions then, and now, and that has cost me quite a bit. I’ve questioned loyalties, I’ve questioned my decisions, and I’ve questioned myself more often than I care to admit to the general public.

I wish I could go back to those good memories, and change them slightly to make them great. I wish I could say things, do things, but the opportunity for such has passed. The value that I have for certain people is, more than likely, one sided and it hurts knowing that it will never be reciprocated.

I miss my friends, I miss the laughter. I miss feeling like I belonged in a huge, unbreakable family. At the time, I thought, there was no way this family could end but I guess I was the first one to break it apart. Everything happens for a reason, I realize that, but in all honesty I’m really beginning to question those reasons.

Maybe I’m where I need to be right now? Maybe I things will change for the better. I claim to have no hope, but if that was the case would I really be here still? When all hope is lost, what is left? Obviously some hope remains, it’s just hard to see. I’ve lost so much, is there some “grand comeback” planned in the cosmos that I don’t know about?

I realize this post does not have much of a point, and the words are just as scattered as my mind. My thought process is here, there, drifting between sadness and contentment.

  • I miss my friends.
  • I miss belonging.
  • I miss being happy.
  • I want to make things better, but I do not know how.
  • I want someone to help me feel better, but I don’t know how to do that either.
  • I want to be as important as I make people in my life.

I want to matter like I felt like I used to….

Perhaps it was all just a fantasy, and this is reality finally catching up to me?

But hope remains, like it or not. Just as certain as the dreamcatcher that still hangs in my window, some things do not die. Some things just need the right fuel to rekindle a flame.

We wait, we see, and we hope.

Hectic days

It has been a long couple of days, my dear friends and readers. While waiting to pick up my daughter, I was struck with the sudden urge to speak about it. On Friday my grandfather went into the hospital, and I found out by means of Facebook. I immediately was thrown into an unnecessary battle with a so called friend, and I felt utterly betrayed by someone who claims to be my best friend. Between hardly sleeping, and rushing around trying to visit my grandfather, I’ve hardly had a chance to stop, let alone think. But I did realize a number of different things over the course of the past few days:

1). Take advantage of what time you are given, as nothing is guaranteed.

2). In the face of tragedy, your true friends will show themselves, while the wolves shed their skins and give up the facade of being loyal.

3). Be careful to give your trust to the right people, and avoid the wrong ones.

4). There is great value to simply sitting and listening to someone. It may seem small to us, but to the speaker, it may be the equivalent of opening their soul to you.

5). I don’t know what I would do if I lost my grandfather. For years I’ve battled my own demons, and didn’t visit as often as I should have for my own reasons. When I heard he was in the hospital, I realized how foolish my strange despise was, not towards him but to those around him, and vowed to be at his side whenever possible.

Today he was moved from ICU to a regular room, and we were over joyed. His doctor wants him home by Valentines day, which is romantic lol. But I knelt by his bed, held his hand, and even with a room full of people we talked, just the two of us. I don’t know if he had always intimidated me, or if it was my own fear of not knowing what to say, but I learned today that it didn’t matter. Sometimes it’s just about being there and holding their hand. Words are important, they have power. I believe, however, that the true power lies within what is unspoken, and in your actions. It’s like the old saying goes: Actions speak louder than words. I know now just how true that is.

Another very important moment came to me earlier, and I completely forgot to mention it. But now that I am at a computer rather than updating via phone, I’ll post about it. My grandfather started out in life being not a very religious person, but as he grew up and things began changing in his life, he accepted the Lord into his heart and converted to Christianity. He’s been a man of God and, as he says “has tried to do best by the Lord since.” Now, those of you who know me are well aware of the fact that I am not Christian. I haven’t been for years. So imagine my guilt and distress when he told me to give all of my troubles to the Lord. I spent the rest of the night questioning myself, my religious choices, which is something I’ve not done in years. He doesn’t know of my personal choices, and I am sure you can gather why.

As I lay in bed later that night, thinking over the conversation we’d had that literally had me in tears, I had a strange epiphany. I have my own set of gods, and deities. It may not be “God” or “Jesus” in the Christian sense of the word, but I believe in a higher being. I can still take his advice to heart without crossing my own beliefs. I felt such relief when I realized this, though looking back I should have known that from the start. And watching my grandfather battle through this, my faith is restored. I cannot tell you if there is a God, I cannot tell you if Jesus really did walk the earth. I don’t know which religion is right, which one is wrong, or anything such as that. What I can tell you is there is obviously something out there. Some higher being. Perhaps it doesn’t even have a name. But something is watching over my grandfather right now, and something will be bringing him home soon. And I am thankful for that.