Tag: humor

Put Santa back into Christmas

I know, I am a terrible blogger. I go for months at a time updating everyone on everything happening in my life, and the proceed to fall off the earth for a bit. Such is the way of life, I suppose. It’s the curse of the Time Lords.

However, sometimes I stumble across things, and I allow them to brew so heavily within my mind that I cannot concentrate on anything else. That’s when blog posts appear.

Today I’m going to discuss Christmas, and why I think people suck.

As a child, I remember being so excited for the idea of Santa coming to my house and delivering so many wonderful gifts. Each year, it never failed, that Santa would slip a surprise gift under the tree (or outside) that I had not been expecting. It was a magical, thrilling experience. I would go to see family (which we only did twice a year), and I would exclaim with joy and pride how good I must have been to get such amazing gifts, including some extras!

Then the inevitable happened.

I’d lost a tooth, and gone into my room to put it under my pillow. I’d been sure to turn off the light before leaving, because I did not want to meet the wrath of mom. Just before my parents went to bed, I peeked down the hall, and my light had mysteriously turned itself on. Curious, I thought, and went to investigate under the pillow. Sure enough, there was money. My mother was in the bathroom, and I walked in to confront her (I was an awkward child, and now I am an even more awkward adult). In the span of a few moments, all the mysteries of life began to unravel. Santa wasn’t real, nor the Tooth Fairy, nor the Easter Bunny. In many ways, this revelation helped me learn to appreciate the efforts my mother and father went through, but I also knew that everything had changed.

The magic of Christmas, of Easter, etc, was gone. Since that time, I’ve struggled every year to find something that makes Christmas worth it. And each year I am met with disappointment. But why? Why am I met with such disappointment? Why is it so much harder to get into the spirit of Christmas, especially the older I become?

Because people suck.

Allow me to explain. In the day of mass media and social networking, we are constantly being smacked around with controversy. “Put Christ back into Christmas” “Take the Christmas tree down! It’s a Holiday tree!” “How dare you not say ‘Merry Christmas’!” “HOW DARE YOU TELL ME MERRY CHRISTMAS?!” and the argument from both sides: “YOU’RE STOMPING ON MY PERSONAL FREEDOM!”

GUYS.

SHUT UP. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

We’re not in Braveheart. We’re not all walking around with blue pant and kilts. (Just take a minute and enjoy that mental image. You’re welcome).

First of all, I’ll briefly state that Christmas began as a pagan festival of Yuletide to celebrate the winter solstice. Second of all, does it even matter?

There are certain words in the English language (I can only say for the English language because I do not know others, but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) that have, over time, lost their original meaning. They’re just words. We don’t question their origins, we don’t stop to think about the definition, we’ve just heard it in certain contexts for so long that we just automatically know what it means. Take the word “Whore”, for example.

Christmas has sort of become the same thing. No matter the origins, what it has boiled down to is a celebration of family, of friends, of bringing joy and happiness to one another by means of gifts, or food, or cards, or simply a phone call saying “I love you”. People have gotten to the point where they are just too easily excitable, they just want to bitch, moan, or fight about something.

If someone says Merry Christmas to me, a pagan, do you know what I say to them?

Merry Christmas to you too!

If someone wishes me Happy Kwanzaa?

Same to you, buddy!

Hanukkah?

Happy Hanukkah to you too!

Happy Holidays?

Happy Holidays to you, too!

It doesn’t matter what is being said, it doesn’t matter how you greet me. The fact is, you thought of me. And you tried to spread your warmth, your joy, to me in what ever greeting you choose.

Getting angry at someone for trying to be nice to you is the most selfish, childish thing you can do. And trying to force others to greet you in the fashion you deem appropriate is as stupid as going into a foreign country and expecting everyone to speak English to you. All this controversy does is ruin Christmas for those of us who just want to be happy. I’m SO sick of seeing this debate!

Perhaps it all began with teaching children about Santa Claus. Christmas was never overly religious for me when I was growing up. That has changed, a lot, and I just ignore it all for the most part. But each year, people get so angry at each other over a word. Over a holiday that is about being joyous and happy.

It’s getting to the point now where I do not want to spend time with family, and I dread Christmas each year, because of the shitstorm that becomes of it. But! I do it all regardless, because I do have a child.

Having a child has brought some of the joy back into my life regarding Christmas. Instead of receiving from Santa, I *AM* Santa! I get to be creative, I get to hide things, I get to sneak them out of their hiding spot, all the while hoping to the powers that be that I do not drop EVERYTHING in the process.

As a kid, all I understood about Christmas was it was about waking up early, getting wicked cool presents, and because both my parents were off for Christmas, I got to spend some rare quality time with them. Then I got to visit the rest of my family that I don’t get to see often, and eat amazing food. THAT is what Christmas became.

The point to all of this is… If a bunch of soldiers can set aside their difference during WWI and celebrate Christmas together, then we should be able to do the same. Instead of arguing over who is right, and who is wrong, why not embrace the spirit of Christmas and say whatever greeting you’d like. If someone says Happy Holidays, respond with Merry Christmas. If that is not your religion, just accept the fact that someone cared enough about you to greet you in such a way. Don’t shove your beliefs down everyone’s throat, I don’t care what religion (or lack thereof) you follow.

Live and let live.

If we could all just stop arguing, and stop hating each other for one. Day. We could bring the magic back, put the magic back into Christmas for everyone. Being an adult doesn’t HAVE to mean that Christmas sucks.

And remember. Santa is watching. Or Satan if you’re dyslexic.

Merry Christmas, Blessed Yuletide, Happy Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Happy Holidays, etc etc etc etc.

Ways to Tell You are a Parent

Parenthood is a gloriously frustrating time period that is both rewarding and disgusting. We have our  days and our bad, our ups and our downs. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can compare to having children.

In light of the fact that Mother’s Day just passed, and Father’s Day is right around the corner, I have decided to dedicate this blog to all the hard working mom’s, dad’s, stepparent’s, godparent’s, and grandparent’s out there.

How to tell you are a parent:

1). You appreciate your own parents more, and begin to realize maybe they weren’t as stupid as you used to think.

2). You’ve ever apologized to your parents/written a letter of apology because your child just did something you used to do.

3). You’ve muttered the phrase “I hope you have one just like you one day.”

4). You’ve tiptoed out of a room after tucking in every stuffed animal your child owns, and your child insists that you be quiet because said animals are sleeping.
5). It’s strange to you when you can hold a conversation that doesn’t involve frequent interruptions like “get that out of your mouth”, “get down before you break something”, or “no, you cannot bring your sand into the house.”

6). You’ve said phrases you swore you would never say because they annoyed you as a kid. I.E: Because I said so.

7). The idea of being pooped on, peed on, or vomited on doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it used to.

8). It looks like you’re packing for a week long vacation just to make a simple trip.

9). You make for a great jungle gym, which is a skill you didn’t realize you possessed.

10). You judge what you listen to/watch based on what you want to hear repeated back to you later.  “Oh yes, she has the entire bible memorized!”

11). You do the strangest things in public without even thinking about the fact that you are surrounded by people thinking you belong in a but house. Such as: sniffing your child’s butt, dancing, singing, making silly noises, etc.

12). You’ve cheered about bodily functions like you were at a sports event.

13). Partying every weekend is a thing of the past. In fact, the real party is if you can have a shower/eat/do chores in one day.

14). You have at least one kid’s book memorized.

15). You have the theme, characters, and catch phrases of at least three kid’s shows memorized.

16). You’ve cut down on your sugar intake on the basis of “if I open this, I’ll have to give it to the kid too…..”

17). You realized that the whole “poisoned candy” thing at Halloween was a way for your parents to eat your candy, and you have since used it.

18). Instead of being awake 24+ hours because of partying, you’ve been up for 24+ hours because of baby.

19). You’ve picked your child’s nose, pulled out a huge booger, and it didn’t phase you.

20). You’ve had to stop at least once in the course of reading this blog to say something to said child.

21). You’ve ever watched kid’s shows, and you were all alone.

22). You buy toys with the thought in mind “How bad is this going to hurt when I step on it?”

23). Most of your conversations with friends or family involve something your little one did.

24). You’ve said very strange things that you never thought belonged in a sentence together, let alone would ever come out of your mouth. Example: No, you may not shove a crayon up the dog’s butt,that’s rude.

25). You can now communicate efficiently with a single look or gesture.

26). Peeing alone, and with the door shut, is a luxury, not a right.

27). Your bathroom has looked like someone tried to wash a whale with the amount of water on the floor.

28). The flowers in your yard are segregated by which ones you don’t mind your child picking.

29). You despise the word “why?” and feel pieces of your sanity slip away each time you hear it.

30). You can relate to this list in any way, shape, or form.

Being a parent is challenging, but nothing is more reading than baby kisses and hugs. I’m sure there are thousands more items that could be added to this list, but I must try to convince my child that running around outside with no clothes on is indecent. I hope you’ve enjoyed this!