Tag: poetry

I’m Fine

As I lay my head down to the sleep,
The demons find a hole to creep
Inside my thoughts, chaos spinning
Memories long gone come back again.
The yelling, the screaming, the torture, the pain,
The lies, the betrayal, the embarrassment made,
Shadows I’ve been running from for most of my life pick the time I want peace to pounce and fight.
I claw at my skin because I can feel them crawling
Like ants trying to devour my soul,
I keep resisting them.
Even when I wake I catch them creeping inside
Forcing me to relive my deepest sins.
Remember that one time, and how everyone laughed?
You’re such a mistake, a fool, your time has come and passed.
Remember that other time you fell asleep with your tears?
Let’s relive that, and all your worst fears.
I lay my head down to sleep,
I pray the nightmares away will keep.

But you’re all smiles and all laughs. 
Your problems can’t be that bad, you’re over dramatic.
It could always be worse, my dear, don’t you know it?
Keep your head up high and don’t try to show it.
Don’t let them see the scars or hear your pain,
It’ll be worse next time, they’ll be back again.

I open my mouth to scream, but all I hear is silence.
On the outside I’m calm, but inside there’s violence.
I’m being torn apart now, but don’t worry about me.
The demons aren’t real, or so they tell me.
It’s all make believe, I just have to keep trying.
How can this not be real, can’t you see I’m dying?
Can’t you see my soul bleeding from my eyes?
Can’t you hear the lies when I whisper I’m fine?
Can’t you hear the lump form in my throat?

No tears, we get scared when you cry.
You’re so happy all the time, just grin and lie.

I’m tired of lying, I’m tired of fear.
I’m drowning in my pain, and with every tear
I shed when I’m trying to dream
Is pulling a piece of my heart out, but I silence my screams.

Give all that you can to everyone around.
Maybe filling the void for them will quiet the sound
Of the monsters hiding in your soul trying to get in.
Or you’ll dry up like a husk, and eventually give in
To the temptation to pick up the razorblades
And let the demons carve their names into your flesh.

Don’t worry about me, I’m fine, I promise.
The final breath that I scream will be my loudest.

I Cannot Cry Today

I cannot cry today.
I have no time today.
My soul may bleed, my heart may break,
But I cannot cry today.

The world keeps going, spinning, turning,
It cannot pause and wait.
I’ll have to try to cry tomorrow,
Deal with the sorrow tomorrow.

But what if I’m not sad tomorrow?
What if I’m okay tomorrow?
Tomorrow is just as busy,
I cannot cry tomorrow either.

Each day I wait for a moment alone,
A moment that’s quiet,
A moment that’s mine.
But I have to keep busy, I have to keep going,
No time this month to cry.

A year has passed, my heart is tattered,
My soul feels battered and bruised.
Each day I never cried built up,
And hangs like the sword of Damocles.

I need to heal,
I need to mend,
But I have no time.
Constantly moving, constantly going,
No time to heal, no time to cry,
I spiral, spin, a constant loop until I fall and fall and fall,
I just want to die today.
If only I’d cried that day…

Hello, everyone. I felt poetic, so I thought I might try my hand at it again. I was attempting to capture what it’s like to have a mental problem in today’s quick paced society, especially when the only advice offered by most is “Just keep going it’ll get better.” It is advice bred from ignorance rather than malicious intent, but still can be bad if we don’t take the time to allow ourselves a chance to heal.

Oh, What a World We Live In

100 Writings in 100 Days

Writing #4

October 19, 2014

Keep the People Afraid

What a world we live in,

Afraid to drink from water hoses for fear of getting cancer,

We cannot turn on our televisions without seeing mass hysteria and gore.

Children cannot play outside anymore, may end up on the internet.

Parents cannot discipline their children, but are later blamed for the mistakes their kids make.

Most everything we read now, on the internet, is fake.

Media shoves inflated fear and photoshopped violence, now satire is considered credible.

And oh, to be a woman.

We are taught lies of how to protect ourselves, we cannot drink alone.

We cannot even go to the bathroom without worrying if someone will catch us.

That shadow in the alley might be our rapist, or our death.

Men have it just as hard.

A man cannot speak out without being accused of sexism,

Gone is the gentleman lifestyle, replaced with the “playas”.

When a woman hits a man, he cannot defend himself.

He is laughed at when he reaches out for help.

Mankind suffers together, yet we constantly fight.

We kill each other over gender, race, religion, and preference,

When we should be standing side by side.

Our governments lie to us, keeping us afraid so we’ll never trust another person.

Keep us dumb, keep us distracted, while they play their slight of hand.

No longer can we go out into the world and explore, make discoveries,

We’re too scared of what we’ll bring home to our families.

No one protects us, no one keeps us safe.

We live in a world where police officers are not constitutionally bound to protect us,

Yet we give them all the power to control us.

What I fear for most is not the water hose,

It isn’t the media,

It isn’t the rapist or the murderer.

I fear for our children.

We’re creating a world where manners are dead, and common sense is ashes.

We’re creating a world where our children are desensitized to violence, and think it’s funny.

We’re creating a world where moms or dads are breaking their backs and are never home,

Yet the wage brought home can hardly support anyone.

We’re creating a world where children only know one parent, and it’s become the norm,

Children are slaves to the world of technology, and have lost their imaginations.

I do not like this world we live in.

Insane in the membrane

I distinctly remember being a kid, being told to go to bed, but instead of doing so I would stay up for hours and read. I love books, I always have. I enjoy reading them, losing myself in them, so forth.

Now I find myself experiencing a bit of that youthful rebellion, but more it isn’t simply because of my love for reading, but a lack of wanting to do anything else. I have no desire to eat, and I especially have no desire to sleep. I hate what my dreams bring, and I despise what waking life makes me feel.

A constant longing for something I cannot have, a need that will never be mine. An ache burns within me, craving to be filled. To sum it up: I’m lonely.

By reading, I can experience love a thousand different times, a thousand different ways. I cannot be lonely, because I need only to reread the books to visit my loves again. If only life were like a book. Sigh. Unfortunately, I suppose, it is time for this lonely reader to head off to bed.

I slip now to a place,
Where troubles cannot go,
Deep within my mind,
A place only I know.

And though it’s often a frightening,
Dark and twisted place,
I find myself strangely welcoming,
This cold and dark embrace.

Sometimes I try to run,
Sometimes I try to hide,
Truth be told, I know I’ll never,
Shake these shadows from my mind.

Embrace it I shall, and stitch together,
What remains of my sanity.
I can only hope the darkness within,
Can spare some mercy for me.

Fare thee well, until the next post.