Tag: change

Religion, and other ramblings

I had a long, and lengthy, discussion with a friend of mine on the topic of religion and beliefs. For the longest time, I thought of myself as a pagan. Then, when belief failed me, I turned to atheism. Now, I am not so sure what to call myself. I cannot say there is nothing out there, but I cannot definitively say something is out there either. I simply do not know.

What I can say with certainty is there is much to this world that we still do not understand.

I believe gods were created out of necessity. People needed something to put their faith in to believe that everything would be okay. This could be anything from the weather patterns, food, fertility, even death. Every culture, every people that has walked this earth, has held some form of  belief. By the time Christianity was conceived, tens of thousands of cultures had been long dead, and with them their gods died as well.

We must then choose to belief that there is something, or there is nothing. Furthermore, we must then decide who is right, and who is wrong. But what if the truth was no one was completely right, and no one is completely wrong?

I am of the belief that true faith comes from acknowledging the fact that we simply do not know. We can strive to find answers, but ultimately, we just do not know. We want to be right so badly that we sometimes miss the fact that answers can lie in unsuspecting places. Religion does not explain everything, and science does not explain everything. If you were to put the two together, however, you get more answers, and the divide between people is thinned. If you acknowledge that answers can lie within multiple religions rather than just one, more answers are presented.

I do not believe in absolutes. Nothing is absolutely bad, and nothing is absolutely good. Nothing is absolutely correct, or absolutely wrong. Bad can have good intentions, and with bad comes lessons. Good can have bad intentions, and good can also have its own set of lessons. While we argue incessantly over who is right and who is wrong, we are missing the biggest picture of them all; we are all human beings sharing an earth together, and our bickering is leading to our own demise.

Religion, and even a lack thereof, has led to countless centuries of bloodshed. Our earth is covered in gallons of blood from fallen warriors willing to die for what they believed to be correct, and its the age old chess match. There is no winner when there is death. The biggest armies does not mean one is more correct than another. A religion with a massive following is no better than a smaller following. The number of followers does not dictate the level of faith a group of people may possess. The only thing numbers provide is a larger army from which wars can begin, and how history will remember the fallen.

Going back to a point I made earlier within this post, I believe gods were created from faith, and that faith came from necessity. As people moved from land to land, they took their gods with them. The people changed, evolved, and the gods were forced to do the same. That is why we see so many who call themselves by the same name, yet believe so differently. This is why we see so many beliefs that are similar to other religious beliefs from countries we’ve never visited.  What I see now, however, is stagnation. The world, like it or not, is constantly evolving. New gods are being created out of necessity, new beliefs are forming from necessity, yet people cling so dearly to the old ways they have always known. This is not the way the universe is supposed to work. This is not to say, of course, that we should completely abandon the “old ways”, but we should not stay stuck in them. If we remained stuck, you would not be sitting at your computer, or holding your phone, reading these words while constructing your responses. We must learn from the old ways, and bring the old into the new. We must take the lessons we’ve been given, but continue to move forward. We will be ancient history one day. Our future generations will look back on this generation in disgust, as we look back on certain aspects of our ancestors, and wonder “How could people sit by and allow this to happen?” Stagnation.

There must be a balance, a harmony. The longer we continue to allow ourselves to be divided, the more we see the world being destroyed. Soon, there will be no one to argue with of right and wrong, because there will be no one left to have an opinion.

I do not believe faith comes from a book written by men. In fact, I believe religious texts are one of the poisons of our society. A book that teaches people how to live can easily be rewritten, or mistranslated, to sway the public opinion. We have seen the evidence of this, in fact, with the changes made to the bible over time. Faith comes from within, belief comes from within, and we create our gods out of necessity. Each person serves a purpose, and therefore we must also accept that “bad” people also serve a purpose. With the recent popularity in Ted Bundy, I’ll use him as an example. Ted Bundy did terrible things, but from those terrible things, we got a unique insight into the way the mind of a serial killer functions. We have a better understanding of just how terrible the human mind can be, and we saw warning signs. We bettered our understanding of the evolution of a serial killer, While we focus on the acts done by the man, we also looked at the victims. Each death gives us more answers about the human body, the human vessel. Each day we continue to move forward and learn, and that is the way we are supposed to be. We are supposed to move forward and learn more so that we may have stronger beliefs in the capability of mankind.

From all the negative things that have happened, good has come out of them. Every experience shapes who we are as people. While some events have a bigger impact than others, we cannot point fingers and continue to hate one group or the other. Instead, we take the information, good and bad, and we learn from it. The situations thrown upon us are up to us to decide how we are going to react to them. Bad can be changed to good.

Perhaps I’m getting a bit rambling, and perhaps I’m even not making sense now. I honestly cannot tell. I can only hope these words make sense to someone out there. I wish these words could help the progression by helping people realize the importance of accepting change, of accepting progression, of accepting we do not know everything, and accepting that absolutes simply don’t exist. No one is right, no one is wrong, no one is bad, no one is good all the time. It is simply impossible. Change, evolution of ourselves, however, is very possible, if we’d simply allow it to happen.

You live once, but you grow up thrice.

Hello, my dedicated readers. It has been a while, and for that, I must apologize. I felt I had much to say, but no great way to say it. I don’t ever want to feel I’m wasting my reader’s time, but most importantly, I want to feel proud of everything I deliver. Until now, I did not feel I could do such a task. I am, however, going to attempt to post more regularly. With that out of the way, one of the reasons I’ve been so quiet is actually the topic of today’s blog. It is my personal opinion that each person grows up three times.

The first time is legally. In the United States, an individual is classified as an adult upon reaching the age eighteen. At eighteen, most teenagers are finishing, or just recently finished, high school. They’re preparing to go out into the world and take in all it has to offer. Many are filled with hopes of what the future holds. Some begin working, others go off to school, while others wait patiently to see what comes their way.

The second time a person grows up is independently. This is the first time an individual pays a bill on their own, acquires debt of any sort, makes a big purchase, so forth. This is growth in the sense of realizing you’re on your own. I should mention now that each stage of growth can happen at any point. A person could reach this stage at sixteen, or be considered legally an adult at sixteen depending on circumstances. Like much of life, these are not considered absolutes.

The third time an individual grows up is, arguably, the most difficult growth of them all. Mentally. In many ways, this growth is depressing. It is the realization that life is not what you thought it would be, and the people you’ve surrounded yourself with are not who you thought they were. This is the moment where long held relationships are brought into question, closely examined to judge compatibility. It is the moment when you question everything you’ve done with your life, and compare it to what you want to do in your future. Have you made the right choices? Are your actions moving you forward? Dreams are replaced with reality. It is a hard pill to swallow, and can break you. It is painful, much like the growing pains of our youth, because not everyone reaches this stage at the same time. You’ll find friendships that you’d always counted on distancing, interests you’ve always held slipping away into obscurity, and you’re left wondering…what’s the point? You feel, suddenly, very alone.

What is the point?

Here’s the beauty of the third stage. It is not a guarantee deal breaker. Those around you may grow to match your new found adulthood. Others will not. Your priorities will change. Just like when you made your first big purchase by yourself, you can control how this growth controls your life. Those that refuse to grow may cease to matter, but you find those who grew with you grow closer to you. Dreams may be replaced with reality, but we all shape our reality. You now have the clearest mind to make those dreams come true. Perhaps with some adjustments. This is different for everyone and it is painful. But you have the strength to push forward.

The reason for my silence can be blamed on growth number three. I’ve had to make quite a number of changes in my life, not all of them easy. I did feel broken. I fought hard for friendships I knew, deep down, were over. I’d become so focused on the lack of direction towards the things I wanted that I became stagnant. Upon realizing what I was experiencing, I finally surrendered to it and accepted the change. I was the one holding myself back rather than making myself go in the direction I wanted to go.

I started having dreams again.

I’m not holding onto as much stress as I was by trying to conquer the world’s problems, while it spit on me in return. I learned to pick my own battles, I learned to appreciate what was important. It hurts. It absolutely hurts. You begin to accept the things you cannot control, you cannot handle, and you find a new path. Even if you have to carve that path from stone with a spoon.

Do not be afraid of this growth, my friends. It is okay to be afraid. It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to try new things. It is okay to fail. It is okay to say no. You will come out the other side stronger than ever before. I am not preaching from the perspective of a success story, I’m telling you from the point of view of someone who has finally realized…life is mine… Truly mine… And I’m okay with that.

I hope this, in some small way, helps someone out there.

To My Fallen Brothers and Sisters….

I’m going to be completely poem and honest with all of you that read this post: I don’t watch the news. I don’t like reading about it, I don’t like watching it, I don’t like talking about it, and I hate writing about it. The media of today is so biased, trying to watch the news just ends with a bunch of pseudo-professionals trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t think. The news makes me angry. The world makes me sad. Even employing all of my best avoidance tactics, nothing could prevent the announcement of the shooting in Orlando.

At the time of writing this, 50 have been confirmed dead, 53 injured, with the death toll expected to rise. Victims are still being identified, and families are beginning to grieve.

A lot of the information pouring in doesn’t make sense. What does make sense is innocent people died. Because they were in a gay club. And a bipolar Muslim did it.

Where do I even begin?

I’m seeing everyone shouting and pointing fingers. Blaming each other. Supporting the shooter. Calling for the death of all Muslims. And all I have left to say is…Are you fucking kidding me? Accusing anyone with a mental illness of being capable of this sortof thing. All I can say is…Are you fucking kidding me?

Let’s break this down a bit. First, we’ll go after the anti-gay community. If you are against gay people on the sole reasoning that a book told you to hate them, and yet you can also say “you reap what you so” supporting the deaths, let me ask you a few questions. My first question being the obvious of did you skip the part in the bible where it says God is love? Love thy neighbor? Did you miss where Jesus welcomed all? Did you miss the commandments that said “Thou shalt not kill”? If you’re just following the rules of your precious book, maybe you should stop being a sheep and actually read the fucking thing. You don’t have to agree with the lifestyle, but it doesn’t harm you. Stop being hateful.

Second, can you tell me for a fact that every person attending that club was gay? Straight people go to gay clubs all the time. It’s fun, and friendly. How many fellow Christians were killed that you just condemned with your assumptions? What if it had been your son, or daughter, killed? This hatred disgusts me.

You don’t have to like homosexuals, or agree with them, but how can you honestly justify the murder of an innocent person as being right? How can you look at a television, and instead of being moved to tears by the names of the dead flashing across the screen, you think “Fucking fags deserved it”. How can you stomach your own hypocritical existence?

To the true loving, and caring Christians out there who will, inevitably, get lumped into the same category as this bigoted nonsense, allow me to say you have not been forgotten. We hear you, and your support, or donations, or prayers, are heard and appreciated. Don’t let the harsh world around you take you away from doing good things.

Of course, I’m not here just to call out the hypocritical “Christians”, I’m here to call out the hypocritical homosexuals as well. You preach about love and acceptance, and yet some of you are screaming for the death of Muslims? You’re going to condemn an entire group of people because of the actions of one man, yet expect people to be more forgiving when there are cases of male on male, or female on female, rape? No, you don’t get it both ways. To be accepted, you must be accepting. You don’t have to agree with anyone to be civil. Our community has been hit by a terrible tragedy. Now is the time to pull together and show the world what true love is all about.

To the peaceful, loving Muslims who are tired of seeing people doing terrible acts in the name of your God, believe it or not, you haven’t been forgotten either. Not everyone in the world believes that all Muslims are terrorists, and I know you grow weary of this shit, too. I cannot say I understand, or agree, with your religion, but my lack of understanding is no cause for hatred towards those who want no part in this.

And finally, to those throwing the word “bipolar” around like it’s a dirty word. First of all, a mental illness is not an adjective to be used to describe a situation. And just because someone is professionally diagnosed with a mental disorder, it doesn’t mean they are capable of going out and killing people. It does happen, and that is a fact I cannot argue, and there are a lot of people who ARE capable of it. But a person who is being treated properly, or at least taught how to cope, knows how to deal with their disorders. Perhaps instead of relying on expensive medications, we should start shifting our focus to behavioral therapy? Especially in cases where someone can’t afford their medicine, but really need to be on it? Maybe instead of teaching people more hatred, or fear, we teach awareness. We teach acceptance.

Those of us who do know how to cope with our illnesses know we can’t get a gun, and the general consensus is we don’t want one. Not because we are against guns, but because we don’t trust ourselves to not use it to commit suicide, or worse.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of all the hatred brewing around. I’m sick of accusations, of people jumping to conclusions. I’m sick of finger pointing and harsh words.

Bad people exist in every walk of life, be it gay, straight, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian. Stop labeling people and lumping them into groups. We are human beings, not labeled merchandise able to fit into categories. We are complex creatures capable of free- thinking and other amazing feats. We have thumbs!

Look at this without the labels: 50 individuals killed, 53 injured, by a lone gunman in a night club.

Look at this as the tragedy that it is, and let’s stand by each other. Let’s put differences aside, and try love for a change. Let’s try to understand each other, and help each other, whether we agree or not.

To the families and friends of the fallen, my heart is heavy with sadness for your loss. I wish I could reach out to you and offer you my love, my support, but I cannot. Just know that one small town girl keeps you in her thoughts. To those with injured, you have my well wishes and thoughts that your loved ones are able to pull through.

Let love shine from all walks of life.

From Beginning to End

Why are beginnings so difficult? Really, you would think the middle part would be the hardest part. But no, in my experience, the beginning is the hardest part. I don’t understand. I mean, it’s just the start. Why is writing so difficult sometimes?

But you know what? It’s okay. As hard as it can be, that means the reward for it is going to be even better. Not necessarily a physical reward, but the feeling of accomplishment. So you know what, it’s going to be okay.

I’ll find my start. I’ll find my place. I will get published. Say it again. I will find my start. I will get published. I CAN do this. Enter it into your mind. I WILL GET PUBLISHED.

There you have it. There’s the voice. Very simple. Now we simply need to relocate the conductor of our internal orchestra.

He takes his place upon the stand, the crowd falls quickly silent. Rustling can be heard as the players arrange their instruments and their music. Indeed, this piece promises to be intricate, and it is important to be as comfortable as possible. The conductor raises his baton into the air, and the orchestra collectively takes a deep breath. His hand slowly descends, and music begins to play, filling the air with slow and gentle music. Each player has a bigger roll, for if they stood alone, the music would not work.

I have been trying to fix one piece of my mind or the other, rather than the entirety of it. I must take all that I have learned and sew it together. I have my conductor, now I need each piece of the orchestra. Let us go over all that we have learned.

We have learned about set routines, and pushing yourself to do it every day even when you feel like you cannot. Write something, even if it is absolute crap. In the end, you wrote.

We have learned meditation and the act of quieting the mind and removing distractions. It is easy to become caught up in the modern world of phones and computers, and completely forget about our own art and our own minds.

We have learned about the power of music, and the power of musical palette cleansing. Especially when it comes to Synesthesia, music with words can sometimes be detrimental.

We have learned the power of knowledge. Each day we must learn something new, and never stop learning. Just because we are not in school does not mean we cannot learn. It does not have to be knowledge obtained from the internet, or even from a book. Sometimes the power of listening is just as valuable.

We have learned the power of listening is for more than just stories. Sometimes sitting outside and listening to the birds in the trees, or the wind whispering through the leaves.

We have learned to ignore the crippling self doubt that comes along with being involved in any art form. The fear that we won’t be good enough. We are still human, and sometimes it does slip in, but we are learning to try.

We have learned that no matter how many things you try, or how much you learn, it does not suddenly get better. Learning is an on going process. You cannot simply decide one day to be something, and do nothing about it afterwards. That is silliness. Everything we’ve learned on this list, we must keep going and keep reminding ourselves of these lessons.

We learned the value of speaking from the heart, rather than for the gratification of being recognized. Though having our work acknowledged is good, our talents are not dictated by the amount of views we receive, or the amount of applause.

My orchestra is still coming together, but already I can hear the music beginning to play. The voice I have long thought dead has returned, and the music is so beautiful. The silence was deafening for so long, it is a wonder to hear such beautiful noise again.

So we carry on, we continue to learn, and we never stop. We never cease being until such a time as our being has ceased.
_____________________________________________________

Author’s Note: I have been trying to write a book for a few… well. A very long time now. Just a few days ago I decided to abandon the book and pick up a short story gig. For a few hours I stared at a blank document on the computer, and decided to try my hand at free writing. I hadn’t intended to share it with anyone but myself, but upon rereading it I realized just how beautiful and raw it really was. So I share it with you now, and I hope it helps someone else.

Help in Strange Places

For the past few months, I’ve found myself struggling; spiraling into a strange madness from which I could not escape. Everything seemed to be falling apart at the seams, my reality unraveling before me like a delicate fabric. I could handle the stress. In fact, I could handle most out what caused the out of control spinning. But I could not handle the thought that I had lost my imagination.

You see, my mind is something I have always valued, even when it seems broken or betrays me at the worst of times. But after so long of falling, I needed help to find my way back out again. The inner voice that guides my words was silenced, the pictures I paint with my words seemed foreign. I had the desire to create, but only the ability to destroy. The whirlwind was merciless. My mind, my imagination, have always been my coping mechanism for as long as I can remember.

As a child when things were difficult, I would escape to my alternate reality. The adult I was did the same. There, I ruled my lands. Nothing happened without my say so. I constructed ideal situations and gave them the perfect outcome in my perspective, or I took events that had already transpired and said what I wished I had said. I dreamed of a better world, a better life.

I took that gift for granted, and only when it seemed to be hiding did I truly understand the weight of what I had. An extraordinary mind filled with wonder that I needed to capture.

The spiralling took it away, bashed and battered it before hiding it beyond my grasp, replacing it with insignificant problems that only aided my downfall.

I sought help from a naturopath. It is most unfortunate that she cared more for my money than she did my mental health, for had she put forth the effort, she could have claimed such an epiphany for her own personal portfolio. What a success story she could have told. Instead, I’ve ripped such a glory from her, and I cannot tell you the immense joy I feel from that. Rather the glory is to be given to a dear friend of mine.

The advice he gave I shall pass on to you, my readers. It seems so very simple, yet it took hearing it at just the right time for it to finally make sense.

Be the best you that you can be. Do everything to the best of your ability, and fuck what everyone else thinks. You have to live with you more than anyone else does. He also told me to write. Write for me and for no one else. Stop living in the world of digital applause and Facebook likes, superficial shit. Write for yourself, and as you find your voice, that is when the applause will matter. It’s only real if you are real.

We live in a world where our lives are dictated by numbers. Your intelligence is measured by a score on a test, or a grade on a paper. Your worth is measured by your bank account. Your beauty is decided by what size your jeans are, or what the scale reads. And when you become so wrapped up in these numbers, you tend to forget why you’re here. Why you’re doing what you’re doing, and why you live doing it. For me, the number of viewers my blog received was important. I would write, and I would try to write well, only to see low numbers. It discouraged me, so I tried to change me. Instead of writing for myself, I tried to cripple myself in order to better myself. So let me pass on a bit of advice to you. You are more than a number.

You are more than the grade. You’re more than the money you make. You’re more than the number of hits on a blog. You are important. In the words of my friend, I’ll reiterate.

Be the best you that you can be.

Oh, What a World We Live In

100 Writings in 100 Days

Writing #4

October 19, 2014

Keep the People Afraid

What a world we live in,

Afraid to drink from water hoses for fear of getting cancer,

We cannot turn on our televisions without seeing mass hysteria and gore.

Children cannot play outside anymore, may end up on the internet.

Parents cannot discipline their children, but are later blamed for the mistakes their kids make.

Most everything we read now, on the internet, is fake.

Media shoves inflated fear and photoshopped violence, now satire is considered credible.

And oh, to be a woman.

We are taught lies of how to protect ourselves, we cannot drink alone.

We cannot even go to the bathroom without worrying if someone will catch us.

That shadow in the alley might be our rapist, or our death.

Men have it just as hard.

A man cannot speak out without being accused of sexism,

Gone is the gentleman lifestyle, replaced with the “playas”.

When a woman hits a man, he cannot defend himself.

He is laughed at when he reaches out for help.

Mankind suffers together, yet we constantly fight.

We kill each other over gender, race, religion, and preference,

When we should be standing side by side.

Our governments lie to us, keeping us afraid so we’ll never trust another person.

Keep us dumb, keep us distracted, while they play their slight of hand.

No longer can we go out into the world and explore, make discoveries,

We’re too scared of what we’ll bring home to our families.

No one protects us, no one keeps us safe.

We live in a world where police officers are not constitutionally bound to protect us,

Yet we give them all the power to control us.

What I fear for most is not the water hose,

It isn’t the media,

It isn’t the rapist or the murderer.

I fear for our children.

We’re creating a world where manners are dead, and common sense is ashes.

We’re creating a world where our children are desensitized to violence, and think it’s funny.

We’re creating a world where moms or dads are breaking their backs and are never home,

Yet the wage brought home can hardly support anyone.

We’re creating a world where children only know one parent, and it’s become the norm,

Children are slaves to the world of technology, and have lost their imaginations.

I do not like this world we live in.