From Beginning to End

Why are beginnings so difficult? Really, you would think the middle part would be the hardest part. But no, in my experience, the beginning is the hardest part. I don’t understand. I mean, it’s just the start. Why is writing so difficult sometimes?

But you know what? It’s okay. As hard as it can be, that means the reward for it is going to be even better. Not necessarily a physical reward, but the feeling of accomplishment. So you know what, it’s going to be okay.

I’ll find my start. I’ll find my place. I will get published. Say it again. I will find my start. I will get published. I CAN do this. Enter it into your mind. I WILL GET PUBLISHED.

There you have it. There’s the voice. Very simple. Now we simply need to relocate the conductor of our internal orchestra.

He takes his place upon the stand, the crowd falls quickly silent. Rustling can be heard as the players arrange their instruments and their music. Indeed, this piece promises to be intricate, and it is important to be as comfortable as possible. The conductor raises his baton into the air, and the orchestra collectively takes a deep breath. His hand slowly descends, and music begins to play, filling the air with slow and gentle music. Each player has a bigger roll, for if they stood alone, the music would not work.

I have been trying to fix one piece of my mind or the other, rather than the entirety of it. I must take all that I have learned and sew it together. I have my conductor, now I need each piece of the orchestra. Let us go over all that we have learned.

We have learned about set routines, and pushing yourself to do it every day even when you feel like you cannot. Write something, even if it is absolute crap. In the end, you wrote.

We have learned meditation and the act of quieting the mind and removing distractions. It is easy to become caught up in the modern world of phones and computers, and completely forget about our own art and our own minds.

We have learned about the power of music, and the power of musical palette cleansing. Especially when it comes to Synesthesia, music with words can sometimes be detrimental.

We have learned the power of knowledge. Each day we must learn something new, and never stop learning. Just because we are not in school does not mean we cannot learn. It does not have to be knowledge obtained from the internet, or even from a book. Sometimes the power of listening is just as valuable.

We have learned the power of listening is for more than just stories. Sometimes sitting outside and listening to the birds in the trees, or the wind whispering through the leaves.

We have learned to ignore the crippling self doubt that comes along with being involved in any art form. The fear that we won’t be good enough. We are still human, and sometimes it does slip in, but we are learning to try.

We have learned that no matter how many things you try, or how much you learn, it does not suddenly get better. Learning is an on going process. You cannot simply decide one day to be something, and do nothing about it afterwards. That is silliness. Everything we’ve learned on this list, we must keep going and keep reminding ourselves of these lessons.

We learned the value of speaking from the heart, rather than for the gratification of being recognized. Though having our work acknowledged is good, our talents are not dictated by the amount of views we receive, or the amount of applause.

My orchestra is still coming together, but already I can hear the music beginning to play. The voice I have long thought dead has returned, and the music is so beautiful. The silence was deafening for so long, it is a wonder to hear such beautiful noise again.

So we carry on, we continue to learn, and we never stop. We never cease being until such a time as our being has ceased.

Author’s Note: I have been trying to write a book for a few… well. A very long time now. Just a few days ago I decided to abandon the book and pick up a short story gig. For a few hours I stared at a blank document on the computer, and decided to try my hand at free writing. I hadn’t intended to share it with anyone but myself, but upon rereading it I realized just how beautiful and raw it really was. So I share it with you now, and I hope it helps someone else.


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